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I had such a wonderful weekend, I can't even seem to get my thoughts together to write about it.

Friday, it took for bloody ever to get home. It just seemed like the neverending journey, especially after handing in Capstone and just that immediate release. I sat at South for a pretty fair amount of time, got on the train and it was delayed. Favorite text of the day "Middleboro... I win :)" How he made it all that way in like 14 minutes without being pulled over or killed is a miracle. We hung out at his house, debated with his dad a bit -- can I say how glad I am that his dad is so not an asshole? It's great. He can be a little preachy, and that was the first time I had that vibe. I got kind of cross with Ian for letting me hang.. it's hard to debate with someone who both knows the Bible front and back and watches a whole lot of the news. I just have my opinions and how I feel, I don't have definite quotes on anything. It makes being liberal very difficult. I know it doesn't bother Ian that I'm pro-choice, but just insinuating advocating for choice got me in hot water. I should work on not taking it so personally. We walked Daisy and talked a bit, and then we all went to supper for Ian's dad's birthday. It was the first time we've gone out to eat, so it was nice. Odd to be out with 3 couples, though. Neil is warming up to me, I still don't like Ashley. Neil got a gig on Nantucket for the summer, and Ashley's bumming. Considering they were both unemployed and spent every waking minute together (which as we've learned is not good, not healthy, and not ok) she needs to chill. I should talk to her about that... After supper, Ian and I went to his youth group. His kids are great. They're a blast and are so friendly. We played kickball and just chatted. The girls told him if we break up, they pick me over him -- that cracked me up and kinda stung on him. He'll be fine. We came home and just hung out a little bit (and it was amazing), cuddled, chatted, and Ian went home.

Saturday, I slept in, hung around with my folks and di some work. Dad and I played catch for the first time in years and it was so fun. It's amazing how much better my family relationships have gotten. I never feel the need to hide, never feel ashamed anymore. Mom, Dad and I went out to dinner, and after Ian got out of work, he headed from Dartmouth to visit for a bit. We went to Peaceful Meadows for ice cream, came home, hung out and Ian went home.

Sunday, I got up early, went to church with the Sinclairs, had lunch with my folks and Ian, went for a bit of a walk/hike in Massasoit, had a nice Sunday supper, went to see Disney earth, and then watched Quantum of Solace. I love that he loves movies, and even though he doesn't always like to go to the movies, he takes me because it makes me smile and he can put him arm around me and make me blush. No fair that it still works every damn time. How is it that our second date (December, people!) he did that and it still works? Every time he touches my face or arm, or smiles at me or kisses me I get all pink? I can't believe that the butterflies haven't faded. It's amazing. Everyday I fall more and more.. I can't help but wonder how far I can fall, or for how long. I can't believe everything is so great and easy and amazing and wonderful and love-filled and hopeful, and happy and life-giving. He's so incredible there aren't words to describe him. I love that everyone at his church loves him and talks him up to me. He's that guy -- everyone can tell how genuine and kind he is... even when his sense of humor makes him seem like a jerk. I love that I can think back to when we were at Sears, and when he kisses me how I used to wonder what it would be like. He  makes more inappropriate comments, but it's still so funny to me.

Today, I was very happy because I had given him my key last night and he came in early to wake me. We lounged around for a bit, I got ready and we grabbed Dunks and headed for the train. I love driving with him, he can be so talkative sometimes and so quiet too. It's hot today, and had I known my meeting was only going to last a half hour I would have stayed home... I think. I mean, I would have been home alone so I either would have been immensely lazy or immensely productive. 

All in all, life is good, even though my housing got royally fucked. I stop every once in a while and really think of what my life was. How empty I felt, how lonely, and how nothing -- no promise, no pity -- was worth feeling like that. For all I gave, I received nothing positive back. All I ever heard was complaints and yelling and just making me feel like shit. Now all I get is love and affection, easy care, mutually. It's lovely. Like the spring. Happy happy happy

This is my face, covered with freckles....

I am SO happy to have finished editing Capstone. It came out really beautifully, and I'm really glad to have been chief editor and be the one to really see it all come together. I could never have gotten through it without everyone else's help.

Kate Nash and Honeyhoney are my new favorites, other than Blake Shelton... I never knew that it was him who covered Michael Buble's "Home," but it makes me so happy that we both love that song.

Got a letter back from Tom, the thought of seeing Ian's name in the same address, a letter from a PV2 makes me very nervous and sad. But he seems to be talking about different things a bit more lately -- police officer, border patrol, ATF.. I just hope he can pay off his debts and get back in school, and maybe then decide to forgo the army.  I'm so torn between complete support for him and just wanting to be selfish and keep him to myself. I already share him with the Xbox mistress, do I need to fight the Army off too? He laughs, and it's funny, but I'd hate to lose him to the Army for that long... The thought of receiving a folded flag breaks my heart (though I did call dibs on my grandmother's and my father's flags this weekend... morbid much?)

Saw Songs for a New World this weekend, I really like it, though I wish they had cast one of the members better. It did kinda pull the show down a bit, but I'm glad Ian didn't completely hate it. It was a lot shorter than I thought it would have been -- I liked the simplicity, but it wasn't as moving as I would have liked. It was strange to hear songs I performed in choir performed again... like trying to find Untraveled Worlds online, it's almost like it isn't genuine. I guess the CCHS musical was this weekend, lots of posts on Fbook...

After all the stress of editing in the past week, especially yesterday, last night was such a relief and release. As I became more and more anxious (and mum rode my ass more and more about stupid shit), Ian got up and made me a cup of tea, and after I sent the paper on to the group, proceeded to work the knots from my shoulders and feet. We watched the end of the Bruins game (amazing) and then watched a history special about if Hitler is dead or not and cuddled. What could be better. For some reason, I felt so happy and close with him there last night. It was lovely.

For the first time, Ian was carrying all day.. in my house. He was pouring coffee in the morning, and as I ran my hands over his back and wound my arms around his waist I felt it and jumped. He laughed, and so did I. It's strange -- at first my mind clicked (Oh, Ian's gun) and accepted it. I think that's what made me jump was my overall acceptance of the weapon. After a while of cuddling with him, the hardness of the gun was comforting. I know it means a lot to him for me to be accepting and comfortable around his guns. I trust him so much, he knows more about guns than 99% of people who own them, and I've become very accepting of them.

We went to the bookshop and poked around a bit, and by then I had forgotten he was carrying. The weather was nice and we both needed a little more fresh air, so I put my knowledge of raynham to use and we went to a playground... except its a school zone, so he couldn't have the gun on him... no worries, we worked it out. There were some punkish middle school kids messing around, but Ian and I had a good time.. I've never swung so high in my life... sometimes he's almost too strong!

Supper with my folks was nice as always, and afterward I decided I was way too tired to head back into the city that night. I took an early commuter rail in from Bwater this morning. I can see myself commuting somewhere one day, it's really relaxing to just sit and read on the train. I wonder now where I'll end up for grad school. I loved Berkeley, but I wonder if I'm smart enough or if it will be feasible to be in California by then.. who knows. University of Montana is really beautiful and has some really cool programs. As great as Berkeley was, I can't help but feel that it may be a bit too conventional for me. We'll see.

Life is so exciting and unpredictable. I wonder where I'll end up, and I can't help but dream about it.

Three cheers for rambling!

I love that I came back to a surprise in my room tonight :D While I was at Dean's Hosts, he made my bed for me, sprayed his cologne on my tie-dye blanket and my pillows and hid one of his teeshirts for me. On top of this was the signed Rocco Deluca poster with our two tickets.

He met the whole family. That was huge. They all love him and think he's really good for me and that we make a good match. Opposites attract, and I'm sure at some point some of the controversial issues we disagree on will cause a blowup between us... We're both just so stubborn.

He met most of the friends, too, even though it was awkward with who showed up and the direction the conversation went in. I forgot that spell of time senior year when we were all so crazy... not so much me, but I was the witness to it. I was, for the first time, embarrassed of my friends and my high school experience. Looking back, some things are just so hard to explain that I become embarrassed... I can't recall why I did or said or agreed to many things in my high school years. I feel sorry because of how it reflects on him. He's so accepting of me, and doesn't judge my past at all: "Your past is your past, and its done...It made you who you are today, and if you hadn't gone through those things or done those things, you wouldn't be the woman I love today."

Easter was amazing. Going to Mullein Hill is so fulfilling, and Easter was really great. I look forward to worship now, and that's very comforting and very scary at the same time. Things change everyday now -- I love that my life is stable but ever-changing. Like God.

Breakfast this morning was great, it was just one of those tough, awkward days when I really didn't want to head back to BU, but to stay and be with him just a little bit longer. I still haven't been able to beat that small nagging ache of pain every now and again... that small tug of despair, almost, but he gathers me in his arms and plops me in his lap, stroking my cheek and telling me everything's fine. He means it, he knows it, and so do I. His care for me is genuine and easy -- he never makes me beg for comfort, it never escalates because he quells the 'issue' when it's still small, before it escalates into something more. His understanding of what I need as far as comfort has always been spot-on... We didn't really have any alone time once I was home, but we always make the most of what we have. I love his comfort to rest his arm around my shoulders when we're with my folks, just sitting and watching TV. Everything so casual, so comforting. My folks love him, and that makes me unbelievably happy. They are so warm to him and always invite him to come over, to have supper, to stay for a bit, sometimes to kip on the couch for the night. Supreme amounts of trust there, and that's really amazing to have. He was very respectful in front of my family -- the Irish side was crazy as always, Ian having a great time talking with one uncle who was once a cop; the Italian side very quiet and really quite boring...

I'm so excited for the parade tomorrow, so proud of the team, and so happy to be a part of Terrier Nation. There's nothing like BU hockey.
There's so much that I want to remember, but there are some things I will always. This hockey season has said so much for my life, and I finally feel like I've won everything there was to be won too. The first game of the season was the same day I had my first date with Andrew. By December, everything had changed, I was a new person with a "new" person in my life. Our first date was a hockey game, and as the Terriers kept winning, we grew closer: Beanpot, numerous Friday night games. Hobey to Gilroy, Ian to me; and Hockey East champs in the same weekend as so many other great moments between us.

Nothing is completely certain. But as he assures me he loves me not only as much as I love him, but even more, I can feel secure in, and be satisfied with, that knowledge.

I always sit down to write something short before I start my work and then end up on all these tangents. Lucky at least someone can follow my scattered brain, read me like a book, 'play me like an instrument,' and make my heart flutter at least 3 times a day. Just the thought of him and his smile brings pink to my cheeks and a smile to my face. There's nothing like this...

Firsts of the month

July 15:

Have you ever stopped, looked around, and really thought about your life?

August 5:

I will walk along these hillsides, in the summer 'neath the sunshine
I am feathered by the moonlight -- falling down on me...

September 16:

So basically, I'm the worst LJ-er ever.. It's been 3 weeks since I last wrote.

October 7:

So today, because I had a terrible night's sleep, I'm skipping all my classes, catching up on reading, and taking some time to myself.

November 1:

So last night was absurd.

December 2:

So it's funny to me how people flow in and out of your life like a river, some crashing in and destroying everything, leaving and breaking the dams down, and others drift in, rebuilding the mess that was left behind, making you whole again.

January 3:

I'm pretty much so happy I could burst. That's about all I can verbalize. This is real.

February 7:

"Kadyanne, I love you. Every fibre of my being yearns to find its mate in you. Your scent and touch fill my dreams. Your touch demands my every thought."

March 9:

I'm in California. This would have never happened a year ago.

April 6:

What an amazing weekend.


Life is good. Plain and simple.

Busy, stressy, satisfying. Sacrificing, pleasing, loving.

I wish there were true words to explain my life and how I feel, but there's nothing more than Love. I wish everyone could understand what this feels like. My life is perfection.

I have so many memories and stories I just don't know what to do with them. I don't want to forget these tiny little moments. Be it lunches with Alex or working in the library with Sarah, or goofing off at work or walking with Ian I just with I could capture them all so I could relive them and never forget.

Things seem to fall into place more and more as each day passes. All of my relationships grow deeper and stronger, into webs I could have never imagined I could have. I never thought life could be this good or this happy. Things are complicated... that's life, but things also seem to be so simple. Love really is all you need -- once you can truly feel it and give it out to others, all other things fall in line and your path becomes smooth, wide and clear.

I wish I had known these things all along... and a part of me always did. Ian, lurking like a spectre in the back of my mind, maybe not in Ian-form, but that doubt embodied. That tug of doubt, always hanging in my heart, mind and soul... The knowledge that my schoolwork was suffering due to the constant pull of the phone or the tugging of my mind home, without a choice. These gray days spent in the library remind me of this... this time last year when everything was falling apart including me and I had no one to hold me together. After a good long time someone came along and put all those little pieces back together with the patience of a watchmaker. Always patient, never growing frustrated, but squeezing my hand and kissing my forehead with a smile and without a word telling me everything in the world. Each moment like a lifetime -- too much to possibly remember... I would never wish for it to slow down or stop, but I wish I could remember everything. With each day, as our relationship grows deeper and stronger, my fears about him going to training are quelled and I can just depend on us to make it through. I know that we can do it.. I wish we didn't have to, but I know it's for the greater good of he and I and us for him to go. It will open doors for his career like nothing else could. I will make things better for us in the long run for him to go.. I get nervous because I'm really starting to bank on this long-run stuff.. But he looks at me and assures me that unless something drastically changes, that's how things will be. I'm beginning to see the glimpses of the possible future with him, it's exactly what I would have always wanted.

Whatever it is

What an amazing weekend. I'm getting used to this two-life thing... there's school Kady and school Kady and Ian, and then equivelents at home. It's not a bad thing, by any means, in fact it's quite perfect. We have our nice dates here in the city and then we hang out when I'm at home. When I'm home for an extended period, of course, we have nice dates too. I can't wait for summer for things to be like they were when  was home at Christmas... getting to see so much of each other was so nice. I get to see a whole lot of him at a time, at least recently, but when I'm home it's both  of us working around each other's schedule, like when he'd pop over for a sandwich and a kiss on his hour break. "It was nice to play house for a bit," he says. Being here is nice too -- he comes up to stay and this week it was a surprise on Thursday, he stayed until Saturday morning when we both headed home. Thursday we just hung around in the room, grabbed dining hall and just relaxed together. Friday we slept in, which we NEVER get to do, just hanging around until lunch with Alex. I'm amazed at how much and how long we can just entertain each other, talking, playing youtube videos and just laughing together. I had a meeting with a former professor at 3, and it was good to chat with her about life and American Studies. Ian waited on me, so easy, so sweet, and we headed in town. It was pouring like all get-out, but we waited in line at Giacomo's outside to have a nice meal together at my favorite restaurant. Then the struggle took affect. We walked from the North End back all the way to Boylston to go to the movie theater there, but we were 20min late one showing and the next wasn't until much later. We decided to hop the T and go to the Fenway theater. It was very busy and we were only a few minutes into the previews when we finally got in. Watchmen was good.. I need to think more about it, because it was very complex. We decided that the rain had let up enough to walk back to West. We had a really nice walk, even though my rain boots were starting to hurt. Walking with him is so nice, he never complains, ven when I ask him to walk slower because he's too tall. I love that he hates this city (You're the only good thing here... once you graduate I'm burning it to the ground) but he'll come into visit me and do city things with me regardless. I know part of it is that he doesn't feel safe without his weapon, but he's taken to carrying a knife and I know that makes him feel better.  I was shocked to pass Adam on the walk, but I honestly couldn't have cared enough to stop and talk -- it was just the whole small-world thing that made me "eep" a bit on the inside. Ian looked at me after we'd passed, "Was that...?" "Yeah." "Do I need to go back?" I laughed and tucked myself under his shoulder more and tugged his coat saying "No, no, dear, everything's just fine." He kills me with his chivalry, I can't tell if he'd really mean it, but I know that anything I asked him to do he would do for me. Saturday we got up early and headed home so he could get to work for 12:30. Mum and Dad were happy to see me (and Ian, of course.. Mum's obsessed with him), but I had a quick lunch and headed off to the library to do research. Capstone is killing me with the research.. I feel like my group isn't on the same page, but we're meeting today, so it'll work out.. I hope. Ian popped by briefly after work, we watched some of Braveheart and cuddled, talking about things as always. I can't believe things are working out as well as they are. It's really wonderful to have someone who is so stable. He came by early on Sunday morning and we made breakfast together. Standing at the stove together, I working on eggs, he on bacon, with one of his strong arms wound round my waist just made me feel so... beyond words. It was like a flash of what the future might hold. We headed to church, then to his place to get our stuff together and head to Fairhaven for a bike ride. I've missed bike riding, and with him it was so fun. Other than my hips aching and how saddle-sore I am, we had a great time. He didn't mind when I had to ask him to stop so I could give my hips a break, he even offered to take me to the playground along the route to take a break. It was so nice and sweet to be with him that way.. even if he was practically naked. He's like a pro with all the bike stuff. His bike shorts and helmet, with the sunglasses? He kills me. I couldn't believe he was going to go out that way, practically naked in just black spandex shorts... not a whole lot left to the imagination hahaha. We headed home to get me on a computer to register for classes, hung around with his folks (for the first time since I came back to school) and then came back to Taunton. We ran ou of gas about 100 yards from my street... we had to talk and grab some gas from my dad. He was so embarassed, but it was hilarious. We headed back to the city, taking the T and watching his ipod, tucked safely under his arm. Dining Hall for supper again and then we were going to watch Casino Royale, but got to talking and it just didn't happen. I'm a whole lot less worried about him going away lately, it just hurts to know I won't have him close by, and that I won't be there to support him while he's training. 


I wish I could write more, since it's been so long, but I will soon.

Best St. Paddy's day/week ever. I'm so glad my life worked out like it has.

minus all the girl drama, this has been an amazing, tiring, stressful week, but with all the support and love I have, everything's ok.
My life is amazing, unique, lucky, blessed, full, worth living, constant, ever-changing, ever-growing, ever-happy.

I still can't believe everything.

California was amazing. The mountains were so beautiful, the ocean was so cold and blue. San Francisco was beautiful, so much fun, such an easy city. I loved Berkeley -- Dad and Ian both got Cal shirts, so did I... I can so see myself there, it was incredible. Seems like such an easy campus, so small but so diverse. So scenic, too. Something completely new, that situation could all work out in the end for the best as far as Monterey goes.

It was good to be home, if only for one night, to be with Ian in my own bed. Going to church with him now is starting to feel like going home too. I've become much more comfortable there.

"Oh you're the one he used to come home talking about going to Hell over." Good to know he really did have a crush on me then, but his mum is in huge trouble with him for letting that stuff slip out!

Alex had a good time, too, I think.

I remember sitting on the plane waiting for departure from Boston, and just sitting and praying... thinking how lucky I was to be starting this, this first trip away, something that would never have happened otherwise -- to be to supported in it, to be starting something new, a part of my new life.

Now to a paper, so much for Spring Break.


I'm in California. This would have never happened a year ago.

The sun, so strong on my pale Boston skin. The breeze, warm and fresh, straight off the mountains. Crepes, sweet and filling, fresh from a street market. Fresh fruit and strong coffee. Homemade meals. A big, comfy bed in a beautiful house. Chatting and playing tennis. Long phone calls to my love back home -- no pressure, no resentment. Complete support.

I can't wait for this trip to really start. We're going through the mountains to Santa Cruz today.

Feb. 22nd, 2009

I know what it is to give someone my whole heart, to trust him with it, to believe in him, and to be fully loved, and to love another fully and without self-regard. I know more than most will ever.